My life right now, today, this moment, etc...

I don't know what I am doing here, you know?  Well I mean, I know what I am doing here but I don't want to be here.  I had two years of my life where I made my own decisions, did my thing, and I got along pretty good.  I come back home and everything is a mess.  The only thing that makes sense is work.  I have to work to have money, and money is the center of everything if I want to move forward with my life.  Money for a phone (which I got), a car (I don't got), school (applying for), and a girl (which I screw everything up when I come close to one).  Talking about girls, man... I come home, 2 months back I have three girls say that they like me, and all of them are really forward with it too.  One of them I wanted to be with pretty badly.  We talked about our relationship, and decided to just be friends, more my decision then hers.  So we became just friends.  Then one day she wants to be more.  Man oh man... I don't know what to do.  I mean, I guess if I don't see them in my future, why would I see them in my present?  I guess that sounds rude, but I mean, why date someone that you are pretty sure isn't going to be in your future?  Probably why I have the hardest time having a relationship.  I am scared.  I just need to get away from here.  I need to go and be myself.  Where no one really knows who I was growing up.  They have no expectations of me.  I want to be loved for who I am and for who I am not.  I need a car to get away.  Be forgotten by all who knew me and become a "new" person.  Cause why on earth would someone like this guy?  Do I need to change?  Probably.  Drastically?  Probably not.  I need confidence.  And while I am here, I don't know if I will ever get it.  I am just done with being me.  A person that everyone loves, but no one wants to be around.  I want the name John Reimann to be the person that everyone wants at all of their get togethers, their parties, and their hang outs.  While I am here, that is just not going to happen.  I need a better education, so I can get an actual job.  Get real cash, and marry someone of my dreams.  High hopes.  So I guess, what I am saying is that, I don't want to live somewhere where people knew me as a kid.  Too high expectations.  Well, no one will be reading this.  Cause no one really knows about it.  So, if you aren't me and are reading this, hi.  Thanks for caring.