Things have been looking up!

It has been about a month or so since my last post.  Which really is a good thing if the whole reason for starting this blog was to really vent.  So, the friend that I screwed things over with, well, it isn't totally back to where it was, but a lot better.  My prayers have been getting answered right and left.  I just love my Heavenly Father.  He takes care of me so well.  I finally found a group of friends that actually invite me to things.  I have even been able to invite them to a couple of things.  It is great.  Probably the first time in my life I feel like, well exactly how I have always thought a normal person felt that had friends. 

Throughout elementary school and middle school and even high school, I was always the person left out, the last person to know about something, the one that everyone liked when they are around me but never wanted to hang out, or they just forgot about me.  By the middle of high school, I finally just accepted it and got used to being lonely.  I honestly didn't think that a day like this would ever come to me. I mean, I have been through a lot of crap, and I just figured that this would be one thing that I would just have to live with for most of my life if not all of it. 

But I am grateful to be able to have those friends.  And even more so, I am excited to to back to school.  I have friends going up there with me.  It is going to be a party.  Well not a huge party, cause I need to do homework.  But I want to move forward with my life.  School, career, and if a relationship comes along, I might take it.  But right now, girls are not the first on my mind.  (And that is being generous.)

Well, back to my old self for a little bit.  Apparently, I am repulsive to the opposite sex.  Well, not all of them.  But the girls I am interested in won't give me the time of day, and the ones that are interested in me, well I usually break their hearts and then they won't give me the time of day.  So... girls at the moment, not my priority.  Well, at least having a relationship with one.

But other then that.  I am doing pretty good.  I got myself a place to live up in Rexburg, got me some spending money, and ready to get on with my life and get out of Colorado for a while.  Yea... It is time to move on.

I just gotta start...

So I have been thinking a lot.  The friendship that I just screwed up just became super awkward now.  Total miscommunication.  She thinks that I became super defensive about her opinion.  When I really didn't.  I posted a question on this blog and it was more of a thought provoking question or a rhetorical question.  She decided to tell me her side of the answer and all I said was,"I am going to politely disagree. thank you for your opinion."  And then I got a faceful of I am an "asshole".  If I take a step back, this would have to be something that has built up over time.  I couldn't see how something like that could come across so rude and inconsiderate.  So I must have been doing things before then, or even I became the person she decided to dump everything on.  Both are a possibility. 

Well, before this all happened, I have been thinking that I am going to start thinking about number one.  I haven't done that is such a long time.  I have always put other people in front of me.  And many times it has bit me in the butt.  There is a quote I found,"Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone happy is the most lonely person."  Well that is EXACTLY how I am feeling.  So I am going to do things that I have been wanting to do.  Though some of those things would be better with friends.  Right now, I really don't have any.  Screw me over.  I hate pity parties.  And it seems as though this whole blog as been that.  Well, oh well.  It is now, seeming to me, the only way to vent for me.  I just don't want to be lonely anymore.  No girl, hardly a job, barely any friends (if any), and nothing to do.  Well, I guess I just have to go though hell to understand and appreciate heaven.  I am crossing my fingers that things will be looking up here soon. 

Things have to be looking up here soon... Right?

So, I am guessing that things need to start going right after a ton of things are just going wrong.  Am I wrong with thinking that?  First, apparently I screwed up one of my most prized friendships.  Second, I interviewed for a second job, thought I got the job... got an email today and well... I didn't.  I had to miss FHE today because of work, to only work 2 1/2 hours, again because of my thumb.  My social life is going downhill.  And I really really really don't want to be living with my folks anymore.  Not that I don't love them, but I am living with two old people.  It can be frustrating sometimes.  I am stuck here at home with people that I really can't do things with.  What do I do?  Well I guess I could just arrange something to do with all my friends.  You know what... I will do that.  Wednesday night.  October 17th.  After hours.  JUNGLE QUEST!!!!  I bet you if I just ask to do it, that I will be able to.  I wonder if anyone would come...  Oh well.  I will check.   I am just not too sure with a whole lot right now.  I am just hoping that things turn around here sooner then later.  Well... yep...

Where do I belong?

Have you ever felt like you just don't belong really anywhere you are?  Yea... So earlier I talked about they type of group that I would like to hang out with.  Well... I found them.  I really really did.  And guess what... I still felt awkward around them.  I find myself going to this things and thinking,"Why am I here?"  Talk about being alone.  Is it me?  I just don't know.  I need a new life in general.  But then again, who says that it won't end up being the same?  Is this the life I am led to live?  Where I really just don't fit in anywhere I go?  I did go on a date about 2 weeks ago.  I took this girl to see the newest Batman movie.  Wow, what I night!!  She is a total superhero person like me and we get along really well.  Though, the only real problem is that she is a non-member and doesn't live the same values that I do.  But we just talked and talked and talked.  Why can't there be a LDS girl out there like that for me?  Well, to be honest, I have found a couple.  But I end up going into the friend zone.  What am I supposed to do?  I have found out that all the girls that I end up liking, not all but you know, are non-members, I get friend zoned, or find out that we have nothing really in common. 

But I guess what I am getting to is... Do I still hang out with all these groups even though I just don't feel like I belong there, or do I just stop.  Knowing who I am, I will still be going to these groups.  But I guess I am way more of a one on one type of person.  I feel better and and more comfortable and confident. 

Oh right, that girl, the superhero one, I am going to watch another movie with her on Friday.  And this Sunday is missionary Sunday, and I am speaking.  I am going to invite her.  Oh boy, scary.  But she needs it and I would love to see her there to support me.  May not happen, but at least I will try.  The worst she can do is say no.  Or say yes and still not come.  But, I can always ask.

Anyways... Just me having my pity party again.  I think that is all this is really good for. 

Oh, also.  My family is going to just sell the car that we just got.  We are fixing it up tomorrow, and then selling it.  So I can have enough money for school.  Cause I am not getting enough hours at work, especially now that I hurt my thumb.  Oh well, life sucks sometimes. 

So, in other words, I need out.

I am quite the screw up at the moment...

So, I guess it all started when I found this car online through craigslist.  Called the owner and it was a pretty good deal.  A little over the price range we were looking at, but still a pretty good deal.  So we decided to go and check out the car.  Super nice car.  Too nice for what I need.  And we talk to the guy and he says that there is someone else looking at the car too.  So my Father asked me if I wanted it.  This is where it all started.  I said yes.  Even though in my stomach, I knew I should have said no.  So we put a down payment on it for him to hold it for us.  $500.  Then we get back home and I start having second thoughts.  My father and I did some math and it would be a pretty penny to fix everything up.  But my Mother convinced us to just get it that night, even though we really did not have a whole lot of time to test drive it or take it to a dealership or anything.  So we went to get it.  Got it, and drove it home.  Then thing after thing after thing start happening to it.  So now it is costing my family a whole lot of money to fix that the guy didn't bother telling us about.  So now, my family is all frustrated because of money, the car, my Dad's job and my schooling.  I feel as though it all started when I said yes.  This whole mess is my fault.  Even if we decide to resell the car, we will be losing money on it already.  I just want to go into a hole for a while and have the world forget about John Reimann for a little while.  I am sick of messing things up.  On top of that, I feel like I really don't have any friends right now.  I am lonely as lonely can be.  My job isn't giving me any hours.  And I have no one to be with.  Not even my family has a whole lot of time for me.  But, I guess this is nothing that I haven't felt and overcome before.  I just didn't think it would have happened again to me this soon.  Or ever for that matter.  Well... I guess all I can do is move forward...  yea...

Revisiting the lonely...

So I was thinking...

I have had a lot of time to do that lately cause this week I have almost 10 hours of work at my job.  Sucks!!!  But I was thinking about my last post.  It actually might just be me.  I honestly think I don't do well in groups.  I love one on one time with people.  Probably why I have been on more dates since being back home then before my mission.  Stupid groups.  I don't know what it is about groups that make me feel uncomfortable and awkward.  Maybe it is because I am such a people pleaser.  I don't know how to make everyone feel good.  So I just slink away.  Or it might be because I feel like people actually pay attention to me when there aren't distractions all around.  In case you haven't figured out, my self-esteem isn't the greatest.  I enjoy when people take time to get to know me and want to hang out with me.  It makes me feel special. 

I have spent my whole life trying to make most everyone feel special, just like how I want to be treated.  But I guess, not everyone is me.  My question is... Where is that someone that will make me feel special?  You know what I mean?  I mean, someone that will talk to me without me having to start a conversation, that doesn't care if I vent, one who wants to make me happy.  Well, I am guessing that I am going to have to wait for that girl.  Yea, I just kind of sounded "un" manly right there didn't I?  Well, deep down inside I am quite the romantic, that doesn't mind watching chick flicks (exception is when I am watching with a girl and she is drooling over the main guy). 

Which kind of puts me on my next tangent.  Why can girls post guys half naked that are ripped and good looking and it is alright, while if a guy posts pictures of girls like that, they become perverts.  Just a thought, if you want it or not. 

I just don't fit in

So, today I honestly got really angry.  Like really really angry.   And so I just decided to stop and think.  And something that feels true to me is this.  I feel like I really don't fit in anywhere.  I guess I should explain.  I have grown up thinking that no one likes me.  Well, of course that is just not true.  So, I was wondering why I always feel alone when I am with groups.  Pretty much any type of group.  When I am with my LDS friends, I feel as though I can't be myself.  Mormons get offended really easily.  So I always try to keep my humor down.  And then with my non-member friends, I feel as though I am too goodie goodie for them to even want me around.  So I am stuck in the middle.  Where I need people who have the same values as me, but would be totally ok with me saying a few off color things and being myself.  And there are those friends that I can be myself around, and I love them dearly.  But the only problem now is, they are all gone away.  I am left alone here in Colorado.  So what am I supposed to do now?  I really don't like this feeling.  Why can't I just fit in? 

My life right now, today, this moment, etc...

I don't know what I am doing here, you know?  Well I mean, I know what I am doing here but I don't want to be here.  I had two years of my life where I made my own decisions, did my thing, and I got along pretty good.  I come back home and everything is a mess.  The only thing that makes sense is work.  I have to work to have money, and money is the center of everything if I want to move forward with my life.  Money for a phone (which I got), a car (I don't got), school (applying for), and a girl (which I screw everything up when I come close to one).  Talking about girls, man... I come home, 2 months back I have three girls say that they like me, and all of them are really forward with it too.  One of them I wanted to be with pretty badly.  We talked about our relationship, and decided to just be friends, more my decision then hers.  So we became just friends.  Then one day she wants to be more.  Man oh man... I don't know what to do.  I mean, I guess if I don't see them in my future, why would I see them in my present?  I guess that sounds rude, but I mean, why date someone that you are pretty sure isn't going to be in your future?  Probably why I have the hardest time having a relationship.  I am scared.  I just need to get away from here.  I need to go and be myself.  Where no one really knows who I was growing up.  They have no expectations of me.  I want to be loved for who I am and for who I am not.  I need a car to get away.  Be forgotten by all who knew me and become a "new" person.  Cause why on earth would someone like this guy?  Do I need to change?  Probably.  Drastically?  Probably not.  I need confidence.  And while I am here, I don't know if I will ever get it.  I am just done with being me.  A person that everyone loves, but no one wants to be around.  I want the name John Reimann to be the person that everyone wants at all of their get togethers, their parties, and their hang outs.  While I am here, that is just not going to happen.  I need a better education, so I can get an actual job.  Get real cash, and marry someone of my dreams.  High hopes.  So I guess, what I am saying is that, I don't want to live somewhere where people knew me as a kid.  Too high expectations.  Well, no one will be reading this.  Cause no one really knows about it.  So, if you aren't me and are reading this, hi.  Thanks for caring.

I'm the bad guy...

So, today was such an interesting day.   I guess it all started out yesterday.  Last night I went to a bbq with a few of my friends and that one girl was there.  The one that I have always been talking about.  And I honestly couldn't get my mind off of her.  So I went over to her house and well, we watched a movie and well, kissed.  Which was just the start of how I became the bad guy today.  While this was happening her parents come in and she gets super embarrassed.  So we go and walk and talk.  And we came to the conclusion, well, I feel as though I came to the conclusion, that we needed to end this relationship.  And she agreed.  And so I break a girl's heart and I feel horrible, but I also feel like it needed to be done.  My mind and my heart are arguing so much right now.  Then I go to another bbq and a girl there has been talking to me and we watched a movie a couple o days ago, and I mean she invited me over to her place and she is like 5 years older then I am.  So her inviting me over was a little weird, but I was like whatever.  So, I go and we watch a movie and talk.  Well I have found out that anything that I say is very offensive.   So we were talking today, and she wanted to hang out again.  And she said that I should give her a massage.  Well I voiced my opinion that that is really kinda weird, so she canceled our "hang out", and hasn't responded to me since.  So I became a bad guy twice today.  So over all I wish with all my heart that I was back on my mission.  I didn't have to worry about drama like this.  So does that make me a horrible person?  I kinda think it does.  Yea, so I am just going to stop talking in general.  If I say nothing, could I offend someone that way too?  I want to get out of here.  Or just change everything that I want, and get a job, a car, a phone, and a girl.  But nope.  I start work tomorrow, don't have a phone yet, nor a car and I pretty much ruined my chances at a girl.  Wow, can you say pathetic?  Yea... Well, hopefully things pick up...

I'm Back?

I am not to sure if anyone is following... but I am home from my mission.  I went to Riverside, CA for two whole years.  Worth it?  I think so.  I have been home now for roughly 5 days.  And I don't know what I am doing.  I miss my mission so much.  I feel like I am doing literally nothing.  I don't like it.  Well, good news is that I got a job already.  The same position with the same job that I had right when I left home.  So that is good.  I am also going to start my own company here fairly soon.  If you have any ideas what to call my company, that would be much appreciated.  But... I don't know what to say.  I went to see the Avengers movie with that girl that I wrote about roughly two years ago.  It was really nice.  Though I don't know if holding hands and all that was the best idea in the world.  But whatever.  Nothing in this world is unfix-able.  So... Well... Time so say so long and farewell.