Where do I belong?

Have you ever felt like you just don't belong really anywhere you are?  Yea... So earlier I talked about they type of group that I would like to hang out with.  Well... I found them.  I really really did.  And guess what... I still felt awkward around them.  I find myself going to this things and thinking,"Why am I here?"  Talk about being alone.  Is it me?  I just don't know.  I need a new life in general.  But then again, who says that it won't end up being the same?  Is this the life I am led to live?  Where I really just don't fit in anywhere I go?  I did go on a date about 2 weeks ago.  I took this girl to see the newest Batman movie.  Wow, what I night!!  She is a total superhero person like me and we get along really well.  Though, the only real problem is that she is a non-member and doesn't live the same values that I do.  But we just talked and talked and talked.  Why can't there be a LDS girl out there like that for me?  Well, to be honest, I have found a couple.  But I end up going into the friend zone.  What am I supposed to do?  I have found out that all the girls that I end up liking, not all but you know, are non-members, I get friend zoned, or find out that we have nothing really in common. 

But I guess what I am getting to is... Do I still hang out with all these groups even though I just don't feel like I belong there, or do I just stop.  Knowing who I am, I will still be going to these groups.  But I guess I am way more of a one on one type of person.  I feel better and and more comfortable and confident. 

Oh right, that girl, the superhero one, I am going to watch another movie with her on Friday.  And this Sunday is missionary Sunday, and I am speaking.  I am going to invite her.  Oh boy, scary.  But she needs it and I would love to see her there to support me.  May not happen, but at least I will try.  The worst she can do is say no.  Or say yes and still not come.  But, I can always ask.

Anyways... Just me having my pity party again.  I think that is all this is really good for. 

Oh, also.  My family is going to just sell the car that we just got.  We are fixing it up tomorrow, and then selling it.  So I can have enough money for school.  Cause I am not getting enough hours at work, especially now that I hurt my thumb.  Oh well, life sucks sometimes. 

So, in other words, I need out.

I am quite the screw up at the moment...

So, I guess it all started when I found this car online through craigslist.  Called the owner and it was a pretty good deal.  A little over the price range we were looking at, but still a pretty good deal.  So we decided to go and check out the car.  Super nice car.  Too nice for what I need.  And we talk to the guy and he says that there is someone else looking at the car too.  So my Father asked me if I wanted it.  This is where it all started.  I said yes.  Even though in my stomach, I knew I should have said no.  So we put a down payment on it for him to hold it for us.  $500.  Then we get back home and I start having second thoughts.  My father and I did some math and it would be a pretty penny to fix everything up.  But my Mother convinced us to just get it that night, even though we really did not have a whole lot of time to test drive it or take it to a dealership or anything.  So we went to get it.  Got it, and drove it home.  Then thing after thing after thing start happening to it.  So now it is costing my family a whole lot of money to fix that the guy didn't bother telling us about.  So now, my family is all frustrated because of money, the car, my Dad's job and my schooling.  I feel as though it all started when I said yes.  This whole mess is my fault.  Even if we decide to resell the car, we will be losing money on it already.  I just want to go into a hole for a while and have the world forget about John Reimann for a little while.  I am sick of messing things up.  On top of that, I feel like I really don't have any friends right now.  I am lonely as lonely can be.  My job isn't giving me any hours.  And I have no one to be with.  Not even my family has a whole lot of time for me.  But, I guess this is nothing that I haven't felt and overcome before.  I just didn't think it would have happened again to me this soon.  Or ever for that matter.  Well... I guess all I can do is move forward...  yea...

Revisiting the lonely...

So I was thinking...

I have had a lot of time to do that lately cause this week I have almost 10 hours of work at my job.  Sucks!!!  But I was thinking about my last post.  It actually might just be me.  I honestly think I don't do well in groups.  I love one on one time with people.  Probably why I have been on more dates since being back home then before my mission.  Stupid groups.  I don't know what it is about groups that make me feel uncomfortable and awkward.  Maybe it is because I am such a people pleaser.  I don't know how to make everyone feel good.  So I just slink away.  Or it might be because I feel like people actually pay attention to me when there aren't distractions all around.  In case you haven't figured out, my self-esteem isn't the greatest.  I enjoy when people take time to get to know me and want to hang out with me.  It makes me feel special. 

I have spent my whole life trying to make most everyone feel special, just like how I want to be treated.  But I guess, not everyone is me.  My question is... Where is that someone that will make me feel special?  You know what I mean?  I mean, someone that will talk to me without me having to start a conversation, that doesn't care if I vent, one who wants to make me happy.  Well, I am guessing that I am going to have to wait for that girl.  Yea, I just kind of sounded "un" manly right there didn't I?  Well, deep down inside I am quite the romantic, that doesn't mind watching chick flicks (exception is when I am watching with a girl and she is drooling over the main guy). 

Which kind of puts me on my next tangent.  Why can girls post guys half naked that are ripped and good looking and it is alright, while if a guy posts pictures of girls like that, they become perverts.  Just a thought, if you want it or not. 

I just don't fit in

So, today I honestly got really angry.  Like really really angry.   And so I just decided to stop and think.  And something that feels true to me is this.  I feel like I really don't fit in anywhere.  I guess I should explain.  I have grown up thinking that no one likes me.  Well, of course that is just not true.  So, I was wondering why I always feel alone when I am with groups.  Pretty much any type of group.  When I am with my LDS friends, I feel as though I can't be myself.  Mormons get offended really easily.  So I always try to keep my humor down.  And then with my non-member friends, I feel as though I am too goodie goodie for them to even want me around.  So I am stuck in the middle.  Where I need people who have the same values as me, but would be totally ok with me saying a few off color things and being myself.  And there are those friends that I can be myself around, and I love them dearly.  But the only problem now is, they are all gone away.  I am left alone here in Colorado.  So what am I supposed to do now?  I really don't like this feeling.  Why can't I just fit in?