A lot has happened...

So, I don't know how to even start.  Since my last post, it has been about 2 1/2 years.  And it has been one hell of a ride.  I have been in a couple of relationships, graduated college and got my bachelors degree, got my first paid acting gig, moved to Tucson, and got a big boy job.  But I guess the only real reason I came back to this is because I don't know who to talk to.  So I will talk to whoever would see this.

Let's talk about what I want to talk about.  A couple of years ago I got into a relationship with an amazing girl.  And things were going pretty well for a few months.  Well that is until I had my first ejaculation.  Then it started going downhill.  We would make out just so that both of us could orgasm.  And then clothes started coming off and I just had to end the relationship before we were kicked out of school and we would do something irreversible.  It tore her to shreds.  I became the worst guy I knew.  I started falling into severe depression.  But I tried to move on. 

Then I met her... The girl I fell head over heels for.  I fell for her so quickly.  She was the funny, clever, hard working, beautiful... well she still is all of those things.  But the problem with this relationship is that the whole time it was long distance.  And apparently it was just too much for her.  So she ended it, and I was planning on asking THE question.  Broke my heart... So I did probably the not so smartest thing in the world, I got back into contact with the previous girl.  Well, that lasted for about two weeks and I don't think I have ever been on such an emotional roller coaster.  I started questioning my faith, and my goals. 

Well, I had to end it again before I fell into such a dark hole.

I have made probably the best friend I could have down here.  She is a miracle in my life.  And she is so spiritual.  She is helping me get back on the right track.  The only reason that I cannot really go to her to talk about all of this is that she has feelings for me while I still have strong feelings for the girl I thought I would marry. 

And the girl I thought would be my wife contacted me today and yesterday.  And it has just hurt my heart.  It has hurt so much.  How can I still be friends with her when all I see is the love of my life? 

Well, the Tucson girl has been there for me since basically the breakup of dream girl.  I don't know really what to do... I am hurting and I can't talk to Tucson girl because I don't want to hurt her.  I have friends that I can talk to, sure, but I don't want to be a burden...

I am just kinda lost...

Hey there...

So the thing is, I know that basically no one reads this.  So I just do this to vent and get words out.  I find it the only thing I can do when I feel as though I have no one to talk to.  Well, no one that I feel wants to listen.  People say that they are willing, but no one really wants to hear about how I feel sorry for myself.  So I come here, to no one, with the possibility that someone may read it, that is what comforts me a little.

So this past year has been an interesting one when it comes to the ladies.  Yes, I know, this again... Well, it is my blog and I can write about whatever the hell I want to.  I had my first girlfriend, Celeste.  We dated for a total of 3 months.  That is my record so far.  She was pretty darn amazing.  And I treated her like she aught to be treated.  I helped with dinners, I danced with her in the kitchen, I supported her in everything that she did, and I was there for her during her rough times.  And the thing is, I was dating her while I was waiting for this missionary.  I know, I really shouldn't have.  Even during the time I knew that I shouldn't.  But man, I was head over heals about this girl.  So I, in essence liked two girls at the same time.  So, I ended things with Celeste right before this missionary came home.  I didn't feel right that I would date this awesome girl when I was thinking about someone else.  I still stand by my decision though.

So a little background on this missionary girl.  We literally grew up together.  We really didn't do a whole lot together but we were in the same ward for most of our lives.  We went to the same high school together.  And I took her to my senior prom, because she was becoming one of my best friends.  She liked me for most of high school, not a 100% sure, but I think she did.  And I kind of gave her the cold shoulder and went on my mission.  We wrote back and forth and I was still there for her when she needed me.  I felt as though she needed me, which is a nice feeling.  So I got back from my mission, and we started hanging out more, and that is when I saw her in a different light.  I would have sworn that she was the girl for me.  But she gave me a cold shoulder and went on her mission.  But we still wrote each other and I was feeling pretty dang good about her.  I said that when she gets back and I could take her on a coupe dates that she might think the same thing about me.

Well, she came back, and she started dating this guy, I swear it was like 2 weeks after she got home.  But I convinced her that he was not the guy for her.  He was a creep.  Which he truly was.  And then after that she started dating this other guy one month after she got home.  It was with this guy who got home one month after she did, so he JUST got back home when they started dating.  And when they started dating, communication between her and me basically stopped.  She stopped calling because she didn't need me anymore.  She fell in love with her best friend.  Which makes me happy for her.  But I think I realized that we only talked because she needed someone to help her through things, and that is what I was good for.  I don't mind it, but I just wish that sometimes I could be wanted as well as needed.

So I really haven't dated anyone since.  Because I don't know what to do.  I have always wanted to date and marry my best friend.  But for me you really can't know someone until you have known them for a year or so.  I would love to at least know the person for a year, if not date them for a year, before I even think about proposing.  And some girls up here are just wanting a ring.

Am I too picky?  Maybe.  I find myself interested in girls that are graduating that semester.  Happened last semester.  There was this girl who had the same humor that I did, and she would give it right back.  She was awesome.  I just wish that I had more time with her and got to know her earlier.

Also, this semester has been a little rough for me as well.  I am off track and working for the theatre department in the script library.  It is quite the cushy job.  But it also gives me a lot of time to think.  And I find myself getting into a depression when I just have time to think.  Thus the reason for this post.  It is hard to be one of the only single people in your group of friends.  As well as people have found me to be part of their directing scenes.  I seem as though I always get cast as the supporting, the part that never gets the girl.  I feel as though it is starting to be a type cast.  Which hurts.  One of these times I would love to play the romantic lead.  But oh well.

I also don't always thoroughly enjoy it when I keep getting asked why I am not dating anyone, and having people try to set me up with their friends.  Please just let me be me.

Don't get me wrong,  This past year has had more ups than downs, thus the reason for the post this far away from the last one.  I just wanted to get some things off my chest.  I think this will do for now.

I cannot catch a break.....

So, it has been a while since I wrote on here.  Which in a sense is a good thing.  I guess mostly because I have not been interested in a whole lot of girls.  Well...  That changed when I got back up here.  There is this girl that dated one of my roommates.  And I actually really enjoyed being around her.  She understood my humor, which by the way is a HUGE PLUS, and she was super easy to talk to.  She was smart and super sharp and whitty.  Well, things did not work out between my roomie and this girl.  So I asked him if it would be ok if I could ask her out sometime.  He said sure, gave me his blessing, and I kind of left it at that.  I did not ask her out.  I thought about doing it for a while, but I figured that I lost my chance.  So I still saw her once in a while because she would come and see another one of my roommates.  And one night she texts me asking why we have not hung out.  Well, we all know that she wanted me to ask her out.  So I did.  I later find out that she has been waiting for me to ask her out on a date for about a month and a half.  You ask why?  Let me tell you.  The roommate that dated her, the one that I asked if I could ask her out, TOLD her that I was going to ask her out.  Well, to my surprise, I find myself going way out of my comfort zone and called her to ask her out.  I decided to plan this pretty fun date where we go out to dinner and then go to a gymnastics place, where you could rock climb and do all sorts of fun things.  So, me without the car, very manly I know, she picks me up for the date.  We go and eat.  And start talking, and just kept on talking.  Well, we ended up talking the rest of the evening and never went to the gymnastics place.  It was a really enjoyable night.  So we keep in contact, roughly EVERY DAY, and talk and talk and talk.  I am starting to really like this girl.  She then asks me out to lunch.  We go out to lunch and talk, and talk and talk.  Holy Moly, I have never just talked on dates before like this.  I loved it.  I was really starting to want this girl to be mine, in a sense.  Well, she starts hanging with her friends (oh btw, important, she is not in the same city as I am, she is living with her parents.  So she is taking the semester off of school and working at Wendy's)  and one night she hung out with a couple of her married friends, and asks herself if she will ever have that with a guy.  So we talk about it.  And she starts pushing me away.  More and more, she just gradually stops talking with me.  So I am getting super confused with this girl. So I ask her out again, to see if she would come or not.  Well, she says yes.  We go on a double date with my roommate that is a mutual friend and his date, that I actually knew from back in Colorado.  And my date sat NEXT to me the whole night, I don't think that our thighs separated.  And trust me there was enough room for all of us to spread our elbows.  So, I am thinking that things might be looking up.  After the dinner, we separated from the other couple and went to grab a few DVD's from my best friend.  We start watching the Office, because it is one of her favorite shows.  And to start off, she would not cuddle with me, which confused me that much more because during the dinner she would not stop touching me.  Then she started leaning on me, which I was not complaining about.  And then my roommate came in back from his date, and sat next to us.  And she starts cuddling with both of us.  She is also making these comments about how in love she is with the character of Jim.  And then she starts falling asleep.  So I wake her up so she can drive home safely.  Well, I also invited her to come to a Super Bowl party with me.  And of course she accepts.  Well, between the Office and the Super Bowl, she didn't say a single word to me.  So I wasn't sure if she wanted to go or not.  In fact I start assuming that she is just playing games with me.  So I tell her that she doesn't have to come if she does not want to.  She says that she wants to.  I accept that.  What else can I do?  So she comes and we cuddle the whole time.  Well, it was like me keeping her feet warm the whole time.  And my Broncos lost.  I was super sad about it.  And she was not the greatest comforter to me.  Well, we leave the party and I wanted some answers.  So I said that we needed to talk.  Why is she pulling away?  What have I done?  She opens up to me, with a little prying from my side, and I start understanding where she is coming from.  She still wants me, but she feels as though she is bringing me down.  Which by the way was bull shit.  And she tells me what is up with her.  I tell her a similar experience that I had to help her out.  And it helped her out.  So I probably made the worst move, I kissed her.  I enjoyed it!  Very much so.  But then she keeps telling me that it is over between us.  I leave, and I get a text from her saying that I made her night.  So I decided to tell her that I was not going to give up on her.  Well, that apparently was the wrong thing to do as well.  She starts shooting me down, left and right.  And so what am I supposed to do?  Keep trying?  To hell with that.  If she doesn't want me anymore, because she doesn't think she is good enough for me, then I guess she isn't.  There really is nothing more I can do.

I have been so close to a relationship on so many accounts, but somehow I blow it.  I just think I am bad luck.  I am going to die single.  That is how I feel right now.  I find someone that I think is worth fighting for, and I am not a fighter, and she shuts me down.  I thought that I showed her that I could help.  Nope, apparently I am just no good.  I find these amazing girls and then I get the whole,"You are too good for me.  You need someone better."  So I take that as I need someone more gospel centered.  I find a girl that I think I would be interested in that is more like that, and we just don't get along.  I am sometimes pretty crude and pretty darn sarcastic.  And they don't understand my humor very well.  So I think that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  It is a catch 22.  I am going to be single forever.  WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!!!!!  I am sick of this crap.  I am willing to help her.  I want to help her.  But she is afraid of disappointing me.  What am I supposed to do?  Move on like I never liked her?  She tore a piece of my heart out today.  Not the whole thing, because I did not give her the whole thing, but still.  I am hurting.  I just cannot catch a break.....

I guess it is time to write again.

So I really don't even know how to start my thought process these past few weeks.  I guess it all started during the summer break.  I started dating this girl.  It probably wasn't the smartest thing for me to do to start with.  I never felt right about the whole thing.  But I took the time for her, like I do with basically anyone, and even kissed her.  Well, long story short, she is quite depresso, and just pessimistic.  I just can't handle that all the time, because I feel bad when I have needs or I need support.  So I can't be a regular human being, I have to be the strong one all the time.  It is hard for me to do.  So I had to drop her.  I mean she really cared about me, and I knew that she did.  But I just could not do it.

So, since then I have felt just alone up here.  I got a full time job.  So that takes up my mornings.  7am to 3:30pm.  Then I have theater practice.  And I am doing the technical side of things this time around.  I am the assistant stage manager.  But I feel as though the actors have near to no respect for me.  So theater right now for me isn't too enjoyable.  And then I have this HUGE calling in my ward.  I am the ward executive secretary.  I have no weekend.  I have no week.  I have no social life.  I just hate it.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and to be totally honest, I was a little hurt by how many people just didn't bother wishing me a happy birthday.  I feel as though i am being forgotten all the time.  What is the purpose of me being up here?  I feel like I have no one.  No love life.  hardly any friends, because I have hardly any time.

I am also having a hard time with all of my roommates.  I live with five other guys.  Two of them are just these guys that are the too good and too non-corruptible.  And so they start just dogging on anything that they don't think is righteous and good.  Well that is most of my friends that I grew up with.  And NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY FRIENDS THAT WAY!!!  So I get upset with them.  Then there is the young one, that has a HUGE anxiety problem.  And I don't know what to do around him.  He was just grown up inside this box and he doesn't know how to be social.  One is not as bad as the two, but he is just weird on his own account.  And the other one seems as though he worships the ground I walk on.  Well, I guess that is cool to an extent.  But he tries too hard.  And it gets annoying really fast.  He tries to impress me all of the time.  SO I would like to get out of my apartment as much as I can, but I can't.  I don't have places to go to because I have an early bed time now because I work early.  SO I am stuck at my place with no social life.  It is not easy for me to not be wanted or thought about or cared about.

So I am going though more mental and emotional stress right now.  And I feel like I don't have any room to vent because there are people that are going through so much more than I am.  I have been reading a friend's blog and she has gone through hell.  And I have so much sympathy for her.  So, what do I have to complain about?  Right?  My life is not bad.  I don't know...

So I guess my last thought is about this girl.  What would my posts be like without a snippit of a girl?  The girl that I am constantly thinking about is currently on a mission.  And the thing is, I am afraid that I am not going to be the type of guy that she will be looking for when she gets back.  And when she turns me down again, I don't know how I will take it.  But I have a little hope in me that things may work out.  You can't kill all of my faith and hope, World!!  You can get a good chunk of it, but I will be able to keep some.

So in summary, I feel like I have no one.  No one to talk to, no one that cares and no one that can be here for me.  My family, I feel are the only people that have and will take time out of their schedules for me.

My folks came up here for my birthday, and I can honestly say that I have never laughed till I cried until that day.  I love my parents so much.

But I guess I will leave by just saying that I know that Jesus Christ lived and lives.  That He has truly taken our pains from us.  I decided about 5 years ago to let Him just take all my worries and pain away from me.  And to be totally honest, I have never been happier about myself and my decisions.  But there is only so much I can say.

well.... yep.... ok....

It happened yet again.

Well, that girl that I talked about, she came over today and friend zoned me.  I really don't have any luck.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?

Been a while since I have had a need to vent.

Well, I guess I am just going to write.  So I was in another show up here at BYU-Idaho.  And while I was acting in it I met this really cool girl, Haley.  So I started to get to know her during the show.  And when the show ended, we went on a date.  Then we went on another date, and Another.  So far it has only really been I get to see her like once a week.  Which for me is a total fail for me.  I try to see her more, but it seems as though when I try, she pushes me away.  Though at the same time, she says that she is interested in me.  But all at the same time it seems like she won't give me the time of day.  So I saw her last night at FHE and I was happy to see her and it seemed as though she was happy to see me.  And that was about it.  Well last week she promised that she would sit by me for devotional, and she texted me a few hours before it started and said that she wouldn't be able to make it.  (Second week in a row mind you) She is super stressed about something, which of course she won't tell me.  So I bought some Oreos, her favorite cookie, and some chocolate, because what girl doesn't like chocolate.  And it seems as though the more I want to have a relationship with her, the more she pushes me away.  So, I guess I am going to step back and let her have her space.  wow...  that sucked just writing.  I like her.  But I guess if it is just a one way road, then there is no point on pursuing.  Well... that is my life right now.  ok....

What is it about people being unprofessional?

So I am actually writing this while I am in a rehearsal for the play that I am in.  We have started tech week and there is SO MUCH complaining from actors.  REALLY?!?!  You WANTED to be a part of this show.  THIS SHOW IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is probably the thing that really makes me upset.  They are not caring about view lines, talking behind the set and curtains, and just right out complaining that we have to do tech week.  I really don't understand what is so hard about not talking and paying attention to what you need to do.  But of course not.  That would only make the show better.  No one would miss their cues or anything.  It is so frustrating to work with people that really have ADD.  Even sometimes the director can't focus.  And I feel like that I cannot say anything to anyone because I don't see anyone respecting me because I don't do a whole lot with the theater program.  Well, I mean besides majoring in it.

I also think it is interesting that it is the same people that poke fun at me get all super offended when people start poking fun at what they really like.  A little hypocritical? I do think so.  And if you know me at all, it is hypocrites that bother me probably the most. 

I keep thinking that theater would be so much better without theater people.  I have found out that technicians are a lot more level headed.  But non-the-less I love acting.  And it is something that I will just have to put up with. 

But I guess that is the only thing that I can really complain about.  School is going alright.  I need to pick up my slack.  But I can do it.  Still no girl.  I really am not interested in anyone at the moment.  But all at the same time, I wish that I had someone that I could talk to.  Not that I would talk to them, but having that option would really be nice.  Yep...  Well... till next time I need to vent.