I know that I shouldn't take it personally.

So I have been going to school for about a week this spring semester.  And let me tell you.  I am really enjoying myself.  Classes are going well.  And rehearsals are just my highlight of the day.  I am retaking my history and philosophy of education because I failed it last semester.  I am taking it from a different teacher because my last teacher and me didn't see eye to eye.  So far I am really enjoying this new teacher.  I am also taking a voice diction class.  That is going to be really fun, we will be doing story telling kind of deals.  I am going to really enjoy it.  I am also taking theater history.  Hopefully I will do well in that class.  I am taking family foundations from my bishop down here, Bishop Chapman.  I am also taking my English foundations class.  I really am kind of afraid of it.  I really want to pass it.  And I am also in the show Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.  I am a tragedian, the player king and also Horatio.  So I have a couple of lines.  Which I am totally ok with.  I am excited to be a part of this show.  It has been one of my favorites for a long time, I guess it still is one of my favorites.

Now it comes to vent time.  Some of the other tragedians invited me to get some Mexican food after rehearsal.  Well they found out that I am a big Superman fan and all of a sudden they just start ripping into him.  I know that I shouldn't take it personally, but man... WHY would you just start hating Superman.  It is like you hate good and what it stands for.  I didn't really have friends growing up in elementary school and middle school.  So in a sense, Superman became my best friend.  Someone that would stand up for me and love me.  So I feel like someone is just hating on one of my childhood friends.  I just hate it when I stand up for him that everyone turns against me.  This happens all of the time and I hate it.  What is so wrong with Superman?  I mean, really.  He is too kind?  He cares too much?  It is dumb.  And I know that I shouldn't take it personally, but Superman is my hero.  He is someone that I look up to.  Someone that cares for literally everyone.  And that is the type of person that I want to be.  Someone that will stand up for everyone, especially the little guys.

Well, I figured out something today

So, I took that girl out on the date.  And she said that she had a good time, but she also had a headache the whole time too.  And it seems as though that she kinda lost interest in me.  And again, I don't blame her.  Why go after someone that is just going to go away, and possibly not return?  Well, I dropped her off at her place and that was that.  I don't know what to take from her.  She is about just as quite as I am.  And for me the date was a little awkward.  I felt like I was trying to impress her too much.  And because of that, I couldn't think of anything to talk about.  What a loser I am!!  I can mess my own life up, thank you.

And also last night I went over to another friend's place.  She just really started coming back to church.  And it has been really hard for her.  Well, because she feels as though no one likes her.  And that in itself would be super hard for me to deal with.  And we were talking about relationships and such, hmmmm, seems like I do that often when I hang out with girls.  I found out something about myself.  I know why I have never had a girlfriend and have always been the "nice guy".  It is because I push people away.  I would rather see other people happy and me sad.  And so I have always seen the best in people.  So because of that, I see that I would only hold them back.  That they deserve so much more than me.  So I push them away for their own good.  All I care about is their happiness.  But now that I am writing this, I can see why people have gotten mad at me for doing it.  If someone likes me, they should be worth keeping.  I don't know.....  I finally had a girlfriend and now I want someone to care for me again.  It is nice to be needed.  Man......  I just can catch a break can I?  oh well....  There is nothing in life that I cannot go through, because I have God and Christ on my side.  I will trek through all of my heartaches, headaches and stomachaches.  For with Jesus, my life can be full and happy.  I am not alone.  I may not have a girl to call my own, but I am not alone.  Soon.  Hopefully.

I don't know what I am doing...

So ever since I was dumped, it seems as though a lot of what goes through my mind is relationships.  I have been fighting this whole feeling for a while.  The feeling of, a relationship for me can wait.  But now I feel like it is something that I need.  It feels like a switch went off inside of me.  I want someone to care for and care for me.

So last night I went over to a girl's place.  And this specific girl, well I really liked her before I left for school, and I found out that she kinda liked me back.  Which always sucks to find out too late.  While I was at school I found out that she started seeing someone.  And so for me, I try to move on, because it seems as they did.  Well I come back and find out that she isn't dating anyone, and the guy was just a short term kinda thing.  Well, I kinda got my hopes up again.  So I went over to her place and we watched a couple of movies.  Well I guess we watched two and a half.  And it was great.  I really do enjoy a good snuggle.  And so I was kinda figuring that she was interested back.  But I keep getting these mixed vibes.  Like one instance she is interested, and the next she isn't.  Well, I really can't blame her at all.  Why would she like someone and pursue if she knew that I was leaving?  And that is what is bothering me.  Well, I think I got my answer.  I will be taking her out on a date on Wednesday.  But I won't do anything really big.  Just a regular date.  My mind is made up.  I can't do that to her or me.  It would just be unfair.

I just hope that when I go back up to school that I can just find someone to spend time with.  I really do not like being lonely.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  But I don't know if it will happen or not.  Oh well...  I just wish that I could know what would happen if I pursue someone.  So that I don't get hurt, or hurt them.  I am afraid that it is going to take some time before I meet her.  I don't want it to.

I also am thinking a lot about leaving Colorado.  I have grown up here my whole life.  I don't know what I will do in Tucson.  I am going to miss this place so much.

My mind is going crazy

This is finals week.  So you would think that I would be studying pretty hard this week.  Well, I really don't have a whole lot to study for.  So I have been sitting on my butt on my computer for the last couple of days.  And ever since the plays have finished and I don't see Alex anymore, I feel as though I really don't have any friends up here.  That just really blows if you ask me.  Like I have "friends", but I just feel like I am not really wanted.  I guess I will take that back.  There is this one girl who seems like she likes me.  And she is super cool and pretty cute, but I just couldn't see me dating her.  And I can't see me dating her because well, she is basically me in a girl's body.  I don't know if I could ever date me.  We are both super opinionated so we don't see eye to eye on a few things.  But she just keeps on talking to me.  I don't know what to do.  Should I be totally honest with her?  Well the answer is yes, yes I should be.  But if I tell her that I am not interested, and she wasn't interested from the start, then that just makes me look like a total fool.  I really don't understand most girls.  It kind of bothers me too, because I love to understand.  For me understanding is power.  Not that I am power hungry, but it is those people that can understand things that can really go forward in life.

And of course it just doesn't end there.  There is this girl.  And I just can't keep my mind off of her.  But the thing is, is that I have only started liking her since I have been home.  And she has shut me down pretty bad. So why can't I just let go and move on?  I don't know.  I don't know how to describe her either.  I just really like her.  Though I don't know if the feelings are mutual.  They probably are not.  But all at the same time I want to fight for her.  I want to try.  OK.  It is settled then, I am going for it.  I will just have to wait 18 months.  I'll write her though.  As often as time will allow.

Side note.  I am going to pass all of my classes except for one.  My stupid education class.  I have to take it because I am majoring in Education, but I really am not enjoying the teacher.  He is one of the most hypocritical teachers I have ever taken.  So I have signed up for it next semester with a different teacher.  This new teacher has high marks on ratemyprofessor.com.  So I am actually kind of excited to take it again.  I have made it into a play next semester as well.  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.  One of my all time favorite plays.  I am so excited to act in it.  Though I didn't get the role I wanted, I am just glad that I got in at all.  I haven't acted in about four years.  So I am excited to get back into the swing of things again.

So over all, my life isn't too bad.  I have a loving family, a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, and a girl that I will be writing for the next 18 months.  Let's do this.  I will stay positive.  For I have been blessed.